FILM: Oscar Bait

(Yeah, that's a 'Planet of the Apes' ape getting up from his seat at the 1968 Oscars; I want more of that)

So, the 2014 Oscar nominations came out this morning, at 3:17 a.m. or some such crazy nonsense. There was the usual huffing and puffing about what was or was not nominated (and rightfully so), but you have to admit, the PR departments really work a number on the voters in the Academy. How else could all those dreadful songs be nominated year-after-year?

Here is my takedown of the (main) nominees. We know 'Gravity' will win all the technical awards anyway.

Best Picture - Do any other Oscar nerds long for the days of a five-picture category (like they used for decades on end)? It's the equivalent to 21st century parenting, where every child gets a trophy. But seriously, NINE Best Picture noms? Let's pretend it's anytime from the 1940s-2000s and say that the true Top Five would be: American Hustle, 12 Years a Slave, Gravity, Wolf of Wall Street (begrudgingly) and Nebraska (dark horse); the Best Director nom's would be the five above (which the Academy agreed with).

Best Actor - I won't quibble with any of the noms, except for Matthew McConaughey (his last name is a proofreader's nightmare.) He won the Golden Globe for it this past Sunday so he'll probably win, but the role just screams Oscar Bait (disease=check; losing weight for the role=check; playing opposite a trans character (if you can't be trans yourself)=check) and I guess the storyline of McConaughey's Second Coming in acting is gaining steam. But c'mon, he did 'Sahara', 'Failure to Launch' and about 235 other horrible movies over the last 20 years. I bet Robert Redford was pissed. Many thought he was a shoe-in for what may be one of his last acting roles.

Best Actress - This is a stellar category this year and is pretty much Bullock vs. Blanchett (Cate for the win). But Streep deserves the nom (she's the glue that holds that wobbly movie together) and although she's MERYL, she's always so damn good you kind of just give in and think she deserves it every time. Does anyone really want to see that 'Philomena' movie? Ugh. I mean I love me some Dame Judi, but couldn't Julie Delpy have slipped in for her fantastic work in 'Before Midnight'? More on her later...

Best Supporting Actor - This is my most problematic category this year. It's going to go to Jared Leto already. You just know. Something about him and his acceptance speech at the GGs was so smug. Plus, you know, he has that band 30 Seconds to Mars. Ugh. But the others? Abdi=novelty. Hill=was he really THAT good? And who would have thought, while watching 'Superbad,' that that doofus would have two Oscar noms under his belt before he turned 30. Cooper=eh, he was fine. Fassbender for the real win.

Best Supporting Actress - All of these performances were very, very nom worthy, except one. And naturally, that's the one that's probably going to win. Jennifer Lawrence already won the GG for the role but, please. Sure, it was a fun, sassy performance but the main fault of the performance was that the role was totally miscast. The character is clearly not supposed to be a 23 year old woman who looks 19. Her work in 'The Hunger Games' was more believable.

Cinematography - 'Gravity' will win and probably should. Surprised there wasn't a nom for 'The Great Gatsby' here. It was a hollow movie with an absolutely stunning look. The sludgy, dirty, dank 'Prisoners' was nominated instead?

Screenplay - Adapted - Shut out elsewhere, I hope the longshot 'Before Midnight' wins. This is the 2nd film in the trilogy to be nominated for Best Screenplay. My question though - How is this an 'adapted' screenplay? Adapted from....?

Screenplay - Original - Mmmm...'Blue Jasmine'. Who knew Woody Allen could still bring it?

Costumes - 'Gatsby' =nominated and deserves to win. Like Cinematography, that movies' saving grace is its look. But it didn't get nominated for make-up/hair (huh? '20s looks on a cast of hundreds of extras)? No, silly, it was too busy being presented to 'Bad Grandpa' and 'The Lone Ranger.' Huh??

Doc Feature - No 'Blackfish'??
Foreign - No 'Blue is...'??

Original Song - Karen O. is the only 'original' in this boring list. Make her an Oscar winner!

Original Score - Arcade Fire meets Final Fantasy for the win!